REPENTANCE

"To be really sorry for one's errors is like opening the door to heaven." --

Hazrat Inyat Khan

As horrible as it is, prison can be a positive experience overall and an invaluable opportunity to change the course of one's life. It is an excellent time to think back on everything you have ever said and done, both good and bad, and judge your conduct. Are you essentially a good person? Why did you behave the way you did? What would you do differently? What advice would you give your old self? How can you be a better person today? It's a difficult process, for sure; we all have a lot to remember and review no matter what our age, and some of us have more regrets than we would care to face. But it's important for us all, regardless of whether we're in prison or not, to take a good hard look at ourselves in the mirror and to be honest about what we see. That's the first step.

And the sooner we all do this, the better it'll be for everyone. Many of us don't realize what dopes or jerks we are (hello alcoholics) and just blindly keep on keepin' on, as we've always done. Plus, many of us don't take personal responsibility for ourselves, instead of blaming other people or situations for our behavior. Each of us alone is responsible for our thoughts, words, and deeds and how we allow the thoughts, words, and deeds of others to affect us. And every one of us needs to be aware of just how much we affect the world around us.

The character of our thoughts is paramount. Without oversimplifying it too much, I believe that each thought can be rated on a scale of 1 to 10, with those coming entirely from Love a "10" and those entirely from Selfishness a "1" or even a "zero". Check in with yourself from time to time and rate your thoughts this way, it's enlightening. Of course, no one is perfect, but we should all strive for the balance each day to be tilted in the Love direction. Besides Selfishness, where do thoughts of Judgment fit in? Where are they on the scale? Good question. Perhaps any Judgment thoughts should just immediately be rejected and replaced with ones of Understanding. I found that the majority of our thoughts, especially judging ones, are simply habits or habitual reactions to things. When we pay more and more attention to our thoughts, we can catch ourselves thinking/reacting without really understanding something or taking the time to understand. We're usually too quick to judge. So, I guess we should always have two "thought meters" running in our heads: one for Selfishness and one for Judgment.

But, unfortunately, there are many people who simply don't care whether their thoughts are selfish or judgmental or whatever. They're just taking care of business, looking out after number one, and there's nothing wrong with that, is there? It's not like it's against the law or anything; and being selfish or judgmental doesn't necessarily mean you're a bad person, does it? But every crime starts with a selfish thought, every hatred with a judgmental one, and who's to tell where such thoughts will eventually lead over time? It's best to get out of the habit sooner than later. So start now! Not to care about the quality of your thoughts is not to care about the quality of the life you lead. No matter what you might say to the contrary, no matter how tough you are, we all want the best possible life.

"Live as if everything you do will eventually be known."

Just so you know -- believe it or not -- when we die, one of the very first things each of us does as an eternal soul is review the life we just lead. (The whole point of living is to learn and grow from experience, both good and bad, and this initial review is essential to get an overall picture of our progress. Further review compares this life with all her previous ones and helps us decide on the next.) But not only do we see our past life's events, we feel them emotionally. And not only do we again experience what happened to ourselves but also what we did to others; we feel how our thoughts, words, and deeds affected them. You'll feel every hug you ever gave, every good deed you ever did from their perspective, as well is every kick and hurtful word... something to keep in mind,huh?

So, having such an opportunity in prison to review one's life so extensively beforehand is a real blessing. It's kind of like getting a head start so that not much will come as a surprise in the end. However, it's too easy, especially at first, to focus on the negative stuff, all the mistakes, rather than the good as well. Remorse can be overwhelming at times. It's just as important, to remember how good we really are, or at least try to be. As souls when we die, only we judge ourselves. (God/the Source/All That Is ) does not judge but only loves), but we tend to be pretty hard on ourselves. And I believe the same can be true in life once we accept full responsibility for every thought and action, as only we are to blame for them. However, the mistake we all usually make is that we punish ourselves for our perceived crimes rather than forgive ourselves. Instead of learning from our mistakes, becoming better for them, and moving on, we engage in self-destructive behavior, like drug and alcohol abuse, over eating, "acting out", sabotaging good jobs or relationships, or committing senseless crimes. We may not be consciously aware of it, but were punishing ourselves for something we feel guilty of. But to really know yourself is to understand that, ultimately, you are a spiritual being having a physical experience on earth, and that you are here to make mistakes in order to learn from them and grow spiritually. Guilt should have no place in your life. Recognize your errors and do your best not to repeat them, that is all. Forgive yourself as you forgive others. This is the final step.

"Don't bother to be better than your contemporaries, or predecessors. Try to be better than yourself." -- Faulkner.

You know, the Hawaiians really got it goin' on. Their's is a religion relatively untouched/unedited since the beginning of mankind. Today it's known for the most part as "Huna". It recognizes each person as having three selves: the waking consciousness, which senses the world around us; the subconscious, which primarily deals with memory; and the superconsciousness, which is our connection to the divine, our permanent, higher self. (Two great books are: "Mastering Your Hidden Self" by King, and "Fundamentals of Hawaiian Mysticism" by Bernie. See my book list at Mysticministries.org)

An aspect of Huna that I practice religiously every day these days is "Ho'oponopono", which essentially means "to make right", or "to rectify an error". The practice has three parts to it: repentance, forgiveness, and transportation. The "repentance" is taking 100% responsibility for everything in my life -- every little thing, both good and bad, that I'm aware of, even the problems of others, as collectively we are all One in Spirit and co-creating our physical reality together unconsciously, and realizing that any problems/negativity I experience are the result of my acting upon memories (subconscious) rather than inspiration (super consciousness, the Divine). It's an acknowledgment that I don't have a clue what's really going on and that I really don't have control over everything. My intention is no match for inspiration. The "forgiveness" part is "letting go and letting God." It's about not getting hung up on guilt and blame but instead releasing issues as they arise, cleaning them from my subconscious and/or collective consciousness from where they ultimately came. And the "transmutation" is the divine neutralizing any negative perceived issues with love, replacing the dark with light. Essentially, as things, come up or as thoughts arise, I just repeat to myself, "I love you. I'm sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you." That's it. Sometimes I'll say it fast, or sometimes I'll really reflect on each part of it as I repeat it over and over. Regardless of whether it "works" or not, it sure makes me feel better; it sure eases my mind and helps me cope with an otherwise unbearable environment/situation. As I repeat this mantra, I envision myself as a walking, talking lightbulb of Love. (While still being the "tough convict" on the outside, of course). My intention these days is to honor the intention of the Divine.

If you decide to try this method for yourself, please let me know how it goes. I know it may seem a little wacky, especially at first, but the simple act of repeating these four simple statements to yourself seems to work miracles. Notice how people react to you differently, like, "Wow, that guy is nuts." (just kidding!). It's very similar to Jesus' teachings of living in love, forgiveness and gratitude and that the Divine is within each of us, as well is the Buddhist teachings of releasing our attachments to the physical world and forgetting everything as it's all really a collective illusion of our own creation. Two righteous dudes for sure. Ditto for Krishna and Zarathustra,Taliesin,Lao Tzu,Yogananda,Sai Baba,and the Ba'hai guy and countless other teachers of spirituality throughout the ages. Those simple words -- "I love. I'm sorry. I forgive (I'm forgiven). Thank you." -- encompass the not so simple reason for our physical existence as spiritual beings.

Anyway, one last thing before I go. Growing up, God to me was like Santa Claus: I couldn't believe in either without proof of some kind. Sunday school just didn't cut it. No one could answer my questions. The Bible -- don't even get me started. I always figured that there must be a Creative Force or something out there, but that we could never really know for certain. Well, let me tell you -- from one science - minded, hard - to -convince skeptic to another, -- a Divine realm does in fact exist, and it's possible to know and experience it for yourself without dying first. There is proof. It's a bit much to get into here, but if you're an atheist or an agnostic, as I once was, please do your research before coming to a conclusion. There are some amazing books out there that will blow your mind and possibly change your life forever . Be sure to read at least the first three on my book list at Mysticministries.org. Even if you already consider yourself a religious person, these books are very enlightening. I've been blessed with countless books sent from home over the years and these are the very best of the best without a doubt. Enjoy!

Thanks again, as always, for listening and caring. Bye for now.

-- Eric

HOW I GOT HERE

"I was once a fortunate man, but I lost it, I know not how."

-- Marcus Aurelius.

I'm often asked how I came to be in prison, and the simple answer is, obviously, "I got caught." The full story, though is a pretty good one, even if it does take a while to tell. Please bear with me:I was raised by a pack of wild dogs on an Indian reservation in South Dakota. I ran wild for the 7+ years we were there, but also got an excellent education thanks to my mom. She taught me to read before kindergarten, made sure I played musical instruments, got me arts and crafts supplies, chemistry sets and construction sets, microscopes and telescopes, and provided me with countless books, including a cherished set of encyclopedias. She encouraged me to use my imagination and write my own stories. And, most importantly, she encouraged me to learn on my own and praised me often for my efforts. Plus, she let me run with the dogs.

My mom is smart with a heart of gold. She put herself through college , graduating Phi Beta Kappa As a single mother with me in tow. Then law school at UC Berkeley. How she managed I have no idea. In the early 70s, she made her way to the Rosebud Reservation in Mission, South Dakota -- one of the poorest places in the United States. -- to work as a legal services attorney. She eventually became the director there and a well respected advocate for Indian people.She married a fellow lawyer and had two more children when I was 10 and 11, respectively.

We later moved to Boulder Colorado, where mom worked for a national Indian rights organization. She decided to return to school -- premed this time. After a few years, we've moved to Chicago where mom attended medical school and I, high school. Her husband didn't come along, just us boys. And, once again, she graduated with honors, one of the oldest students in her class. Since then, she's practiced medicine all over and has established several free clinics, along the way

After high school, I entered the physical therapy program at the University of Wisconsin at Madison. I had student loans for the most part, painted houses in the summer and cooked in a variety of restaurants during the school year. Unfortunately, however, I had discovered drinking in high school and my studies suffered as a result.

In addition, I became a bit disenchanted with traditional physical therapy, discovering "holistic" modalities like yoga, clinical massage, acupuncture, that appealed to me more.

Then, in 1989, a year before graduation, adventure called: North to Alaska! The Exxon Valdez oil spill occurred and workers were needed everywhere. The perfect summer job, right? So, I ended up working on a fishing boat, in a cannery, some restaurants and a logging camp -- well past the time I should have returned to school. And in the end I discovered commercial diving, working underwater, mostly on fishing boats at dock, repairing piers and such, doing salvage and recovery work and doing video inspections. Fun stuff!

But the ocean in Alaska's cold! So it was off to the warm Gulf of Mexico in Texas, and along the east coast for a while, then back to the Gulf and finally to Seattle, where I settled down, sorta. I started my own diving business, got married to a beautiful woman, sold sailboats on the side and eventually went back to school to become a clinical massage therapist and yoga instructor -- doing work I loved. I had a successful and busy practice in a medical clinic, doing mostly insurance work for work- related and auto accident injuries along with a number of people with chronic pain. My specialty was deep tissue myofascial release or Rolfing, which is often painful, but it has excellent results, the main goal being optimum posture and biomechanics. I also focused on neuromuscular reeducation, teaching a movement akin to yoga.Business was booming and life was grand.

"Those whom the gods would destroy, they first make prideful." -- Euripides

But it wasn't to last. My wife and I split up and I started dating a few of my clients -- a big mistake it would turn out. One day,a young woman who owed a considerable amount of money from her insurance settlement accused me of sexual misconduct as a way to avoid her debt. And it worked, of course: all it takes is a single unfounded accusation like that for a man to be considered guilty these days, and she knew it. I was able to prove that her claim was physically impossible, but the damage was done. A former client I had briefly dated outside the office -- a "woman scorned" -- heard the accusation and jumped on the bandwagon, making one of her own to hurt me. Everything done in my office was always strictly professional, but 2 such claims back to back was too much for the medical clinic to handle, and I had to leave. However, I soon found an even nicer office and a new group of physicians to work with. Needless to say, I stopped dating clients. Anyway, my new practice thrived, and I was still able to help people each day.

Until "The Boat" -- The Boat changed everything. Answering a tiny ad in an obscure sailing newsletter, I took a ferry out to the San Juan Islands, near Seattle to look at a boat for sale: a 41' x 24' ocean cruising catamaran that still needed a lot of work. In fact, it was still in the woods off the beach and yet to be launched. It needed everything: keels, rudders, engine, steering system, mast, rigging i.e. the works. It was essentially just a fiberglass shell ready to customize as I saw fit. A major opportunity and challenge that I couldn't pass up. Plus the price was right. One condition of the sale was that it had to be out of there within six months so a house could be built on the property. So, I dropped everything else to work on The Boat.

A huge mistake, as I was in way over my head. I didn't even know what a hole saw was. But I was in love and just try talking sense to a boat nut. I spent every waking moment putting that boat together, staying up days at a time and drinking way too much whiskey and smoking way too much weed as a new bachelor. But I got launched in time. Once in the water, I fully intended to go back to work but instead just kept drinking and working on The Boat. I eventually closed my practice grew a beard. I became the marina's handyman and diver. Life was good, but I become a regular drunk -- a boat bum. I drank so much that I would often blackout, remembering nothing of the day or night before. I became delusional and depressed. Then, finally after years of self-destructive drinking, I had what can only be called a nervous breakdown. I walked away from the boat, from my truck and tools, everything I own, and caught a flight to the Caribbean.

I guess I had some kind of vague, misguided notion that I could just run away from myself, that I could quit drinking and get clean and sober in the Virgin Isles, eating fruit and doing yoga on the beach or something. Instead, of course, it was Margaritaville. Bottles of rum were cheaper than bottled water. I got hooked on the drink called the Bushwhacker: tequila, vodka, rum, gin, vermouth, Bailey's Irish cream, and Kahlúa blended with ice, half a banana, and chocolate syrup to taste. Delicious! Couldn't get enough of them. From boat bum to beach bum. I first worked on a boat taking people scuba diving, then as a cook, bartender, and waiter in most every restaurant on St. John. Cocaine and crack are cheap and plentiful in the Caribbean and most of my co-workers were addicts. This scared me and I realized that I had to get the hell out of there, quick.

So I caught a plane to Santa Barbara, a real paradise, where I again hoped to get sober and straightened out. I rented a room and waited tables at fancy restaurants, sold women's shoes at Nordstrom's, sold thousand dollar health club memberships, and did stone and tile remodeling work that I really enjoyed. I dated a super model look-alike with a millionaire father. But I was still drinking: drowning my sorrows for ruining a wonderful marriage, abandoning a perfect career and losing The Boat. Then after only nine months, for no good reason at all, I found myself running away again.

This time it was Kansas City, Missouri. Someone had once told me it was a good place to find a good woman and settle down. I immediately found a great little apartment, and a great job in outside sales. And I made enough money in one month to take the next two off: to drink myself to death. I got a hold of some stained glass materials and tools and made beautiful pieces of art while I was at it. Then the next sales job went the same way: one month on, two off. I just drank whiskey and did stained glass. At the end of my short stay in KC, I waited tables at a five-star steakhouse and quickly made enough to hit the road again.

Why I came to Texas. I'll never understand; but I'd always heard Austin was a pretty cool place. As usual, I found a nice apartment and a good job in sales right away. And as usual, I began the same sorry pattern of some months on and many off, to wallow in booze and regrets. This time, my hobby besides drinking and stained glass was writing movie screenplays -- "perfect crime" thrillers. Somehow, I had gotten it into my head that this was my calling, and I would stay up for days and nights in a row, creating scenes enacting them out, assuming the various characters identities for timing and dialogue. I began living in a fantasy world. I drank more than ever before, if that's even possible, and I now suffered from DTs. I would shake like a leaf and be sick if my alcohol level went too low. I needed at least 6 ounces of whiskey for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, not to mention the cases of beer in between. I contemplated suicide on a daily basis, then finally went out and bought a handgun -- something like James Bond would use, of course -- and would sit with it against my head for many nights afterwards. But now that I had a gun, I thought, "why not be a real, live private detective, like in my screenplays." So that became the plan. After all, weren't a lot of the classic movie gumshoes alcoholics themselves, with their feet up on the desk and a bottle of booze in the desk drawer? Fortunately, I was arrested at this point.

"Semel insanivimus omnis. (We have all been mad once.)"

Near the end of 2000, shortly before my latest fall from grace, I worked selling a service where people could buy used cars at auction. The company placed classified ads for cars for sale to lure potential customers. After a few sales, as usual, I quit, having enough money to drink on through the holidays. The job had given me an idea for a screenplay about an international car smuggling ring, and I got to work on that also. However, I ended up blacking out for the entire month of December and January of the new year; I couldn't remember things; I doubt I left the apartment, but who knows? Very scary. Instead of whiskey, I'd recently switched to gallons of vodka, so maybe that had something to do with it. My best guess is that I made a serious effort to finally drink myself to death but failed somehow.

So, now it's February, 2001 and halfway through, my younger brother, who I once helped raise, and who once looked up to me shows up on my doorstep, asking me for the $5000 I'd borrowed the year before. "Sure, bro," I say, "and don't worry about the money, I gotcha." (Yikes!).

In the seriously screwed up state of mind I was in at the time, I came real close to taking the easy way out with a gun in my mouth. But then I figured that the only right thing to do was first get the money somehow to pay my brother before killing myself. I could act out an idea from my latest screenplay. So, that's what I did: on a Monday, I placed an ad to sell a car that didn't exist -- Best/First Cash Offer. That same day, I also called a psychiatrist to be seen as soon as possible. Wednesday, I returned calls about the car and made an appointment to sell it on Friday. Thursday I saw the psychiatrist, who agreed that I was completely nuts and prescribed some medication. On Friday after a sleepless night and as drunk and stoned as possible, I went ahead to meet the buyer. After all, it probably wasn't going to work anyway, and I could always call it off at any time, right? Let's just see what happens...

I was such an idiot that I was surprised when more than one person came to collect the car: a man and his wife. I explained that the car was being detailed and was on its way, and could I please count the money? " No problem," the fellow says. He opens his minivan's sliding door, moves some groceries to the backseat, and gets in, motioning for me to join them. (Apparently, there were two small children in the very back seat thatI never noticed.) I'm handed an envelope with $8000, and as I pretend to count the money, I'm saying to myself, "what in the hell are you doing?! This is insane! Just hand the money back and leave!" But then: "you're doing this for your brother." So I say to the guy, "I'm sorry, but I really need this." And at the same time flash my gun needlessly and hit the ground running. He chases me quite a ways to my car, and as soon as I get in. He's pounding on the window; but I soon lost, dodging a good Samaritan in a monster truck who tries to block me and gives chase before I eventually get away. I must've been a pretty pitiful robber

Of course, my first stop was the liquor store. I paid my brother, what I owed him and refused to tell them where the money came from. About 10 days later the psych meds kicked in: it was like a switch had been thrown in my brain, and I was a new man; I was thinking positively for the first time in years, and gone were the persistent thoughts of suicide. I soon landed a decent job in sales for a remodeling company. I was drinking less and even dating again. Then one evening over drinks with a neighbor, while discussing our respective psychiatric issues, I said, "you want to hear crazy? Let me tell you about crazy..." and I told her the whole story, embellishing, I'm sure, like some kind of Sopranos character.

"Rule number one: keep your -- -- mouth shut." -- Fat Tony.

So began my descent into hell -- from one kind of suicidal depression to another. I was arrested just days later and went through months of the most horrific alcohol withdrawal imaginable in the county jail. For one week early on, I was left alone in a bare "psych tank" with no clothes and only a hole in the floor to relieve myself in. I had to beg for toilet paper and water. I couldn't hold down any food. I slept on the concrete floor with no blanket, and I tried to sleep as much as possible. Cruel and unusual punishment? Nope, just standard operating procedure for addicts and the insane.

And so began my introduction to the criminal justice system in America. After a few months, a court-appointed attorney finally met with me for 20 minutes or so. That was the last I heard from them until a brief appearance at my arraignment and then again two days before my sentencing trial. I had pled guilty. And in the end, he handed my head to the prosecution on a silver platter.

Apparently, my case was cherry picked by the newly appointed district attorney in order to make headlines in the news: "Bradley Tough on Crime!" I was never offered a plea agreement. I was never allowed an evidentiary hearing. And if you didn't have a violent career criminal to prosecute, he would create his own, accusing me at my sentencing trial of murder, kidnapping, rape, blackmail, bomb making, and more based upon nothing but speculation and his own cruel imagination. There was zero evidence of any other crimes other than once forging a roommates check for pizza. (He left me with a huge long-distance phone bill. Which doesn't make it right) I have never hurt anyone in my life, nor ever before been in trouble with the law. But listen to this:

Bradley: you plan crimes so you weren't caught, didn't you?

Me: not at all.

Bradley: Of course, if we didn't catch you with the others,we don't know, do we?

Me: that's totally false. I have -- that's ridiculous. That's a ridiculous notion. I've never committed any crime other than --

Bradley: And someone who wanted to use those kinds of thoughts, if they had that person and they tortured them and they raped them, and nobody knew where they were, and then they wanted to finish them off, and they believe that, they'd have to kill them and bury them, wouldn't they?

Me: I don't understand the question.

Bradley: Yeah. And if you're wrong, somebody is dead, right?

Me: that's a very -- I think you're very mean person. I think you know that I'm not this criminal.

That's just one example of how things went. There was constant mention of murder, kidnapping, rape, and other horrible, total imaginary crimes. It was a travesty of justice, which is apparently the norm in Texas. Here are just a few more examples from way too many to include here:

Bradley:(regarding probation). That's a very compassionate approach. But in a case like this, with a man like that, that kind of thinking will get someone else killed...

... But maybe the most frightening one is the little, what I like to call a rape kit. The detail ought to scare you to death. (This was zip ties, tape, and strain found in the boat/tool bag along with a " bomb! that he knew prior to trial was not in fact a bomb at all.)...

Bradley:... He doesn't leave a trail. I'm not here to say, I can prove everything up. I really don't care how many of you believe or don't believe.

Then we have the coup de grace:

Bradley:... what punishment could you possibly have come up with to make sure that person did not kill, hurt, maim, rape, whatever anyone? And there is only one answer. And I ask you to start in this case with a life sentence. If you cannot unanimously agree on that, then moved to 99 and work your way down. But I guarantee you will sleep a lot better, and the world will be a safer place, if Eric Remerowski received a life sentence. Thank you.

Unbelievable. In my mind, this was prosecutorial misconduct. But the jury was terrified as intended, and after six hours, returned with a sentence of 50 years. This is clearly excessive, even by Texas standards; and there can be no doubt that I was sentenced for more than just robbery. In nine years of prison, I have yet to meet anyone serving more than 10 to 15 years for robbery as a first offense; some are even sentenced to probation. Only the worst of the worst and habitual offenders are doing the kind of time I received. I know many killers doing much less.

Unfortunately, I've exhausted all appeals. My only hope now is a commutation (reduction) of sentence. For that to happen, the judge, Dist. Atty. (Bradley), and Sheriff must recommend it to the parole board, who then recommended to the governor.**.

"If there is a witness to my soul, he knows the truth, and I am calm in that judgment."

So, anyway, that's my story, as they say, and I'm sticking to it. As I've mentioned before, I feel that my incarceration has been a real blessing overall, for it's allowed me to regain my sobriety, my sanity, and my soul. I've had the opportunity to grow spiritually that I may never have had otherwise. It took about three years to finally get my head on straight, and five to be truly convinced that I'm ready to rejoin society. Now it's just a matter of enduring and hoping and praying for sentence reduction and/or laws to change.

Currently, I'm not entitled to receive "good - conduct time" applied to my sentence, because my crime is considered "aggravated" due to the gun involved. Aggravated felons in Texas aren't entitled to good time credit and must do at least half their sentence before being considered for parole; and even then, one is likely to be denied and not considered again for another 3 to 5 years. Good conduct time has always existed as an incentive for inmates to behave themselves while in prison, making it easier and everyone involved, especially the staff. To deny it to the supposedly most dangerous and potentially most troublesome prisoners doesn't make sense. Many think, "why behave if it doesn't help me see parole any sooner?" The laws need to change to allow all inmates their good conduct time. Texas Rep. Jim McReynolds, Texas House Corrections Committee, is someone responsible for this issue. A new resolution would help reduce prison overcrowding, reduce costs to the taxpayer, and allow many deserving people the chance to parole and to be reunited with their families.

I'm always thinking about parole -- about a second chance at life -- and what I'll do once I'm free again, if ever. Besides the basics, like a place to live and a job to get me started, I intend to join a church of some kind and surround myself with good, spiritual people. Finding a good woman, of course, is a must. I'm looking forward to arts and crafts fairs, music concerts, hiking and camping, canoeing, swimming, restaurants and home-cooked meals, and catching up on all the many years of movies I've missed. Once I'm settled, I would also like to volunteer with therapy dogs, taking them to hospitals and nursing homes to cheer people up and boost their recovery, as a dog's unconditional love is so healing and contagious. And eventually I would like to work in transpersonal hypnotherapy and spiritual counseling, mostly for those suffering from addiction and depression.

You know, I have to admit that sometimes the weight of such a lengthy prison sentence seams like too much to bear, and I think about checking out -- early. Better luck next time, right? After all, were really eternal, spiritual beings who never actually die (a fact, not a belief). But I know that I would ultimately regret it and just be avoiding important lessons that I'd have to make up for in another way. And as difficult as things may be -- as much as we may suffer -- it's all about learning and growing from the experience. So, when I feel low, which is pretty damn often, especially with so much time left to endure, I try to remember that my soul's spiritual evolution is more important than my being free or happy right now. I try to be thankful for the simplest things like my health, clean air, water, food, and the relative luxury of prison life in the United States compared to some other countries or the daily life in the slums of cities around the world. It could be worse, as they say. But, honestly, I'd take freedom in the most impoverished environment over imprisonment in the wealthiest one. I really don't believe there's anything worse than prison -- to be locked away and forgotten.

Thankfully, I have this blog, and Mystic Ministries.org, and all of you out there to give me purpose and meaning in life and a reason to make the most of each day, regardless of my situation. I'd like to instill this same sense of purpose in others. If anything I share can make a difference in someone else's life, then I'm blessed..

Thanks again for listening and caring. I so appreciate your letters and e-mails. Keep them coming! Bye for now.

-- Eric

**If you agree that my sentence is excessive, please let them know. Your letters and e-mails could make all the difference. Feel free to use the prewritten letters, I made about my commutation and good time. The letters are listed on my website MysticMinistries.org

The chairman of the house corrections committee is Jim McReynolds and Senator John Whitmire is the chair of the criminal justice committee.

Snail mail goes to: John Bradley and Judge Carnes, Williamson County Courthouse, 405 S. MLK, Georgetown, TX 78626; as well as: Sheriff James Wilson, 508 S. Rock St., Georgetown, TX 78626; and: Parole Board, Box 13401, Austin, TX 78711; and: Gov. Rick Perry, 1100 San Jacinto, Austin, TX 78701. Thank you!

What I Can Do

"The best service we can provide others is to share what we have learned from our experience."

-- Edgar Cayce

I wish there were something I could say or do to keep someone else from ever coming to prison. It seems too simple a solution to just say, "stay in school; don't drink; don't do drugs." If I was a role model or a person with any kind of influence, then my words might have some impact, but all I have to offer is the fact that I've "been there, done that".

I've partied hard with Hells Angels and rock stars, with high society speed freaks and ghetto trash crackheads. I've got down with the best of them and worst, from the country clubs to the truck stops all over the country. I could drink anyone under the table, and still hold UW -- Madison's all-time record for the biggest 4'-- bong hit. I've done more than my share of coke and acid and sampled every other drug on the street more than once (except meth -- I'm not a complete idiot). I'm a virtual connoisseur of everything homegrown and homebrewed. So I know what it's like to have fun and to be high, to be in the fast lane as well as the gutter.

I've been one of the most popular kids, if not the coolest dude on the block, as well as a misfit, the loner, the nerd, the total reject; the smartest person in the class and the biggest dumb ass you'd ever care to meet. I've been a swinging single, happily married and painfully divorced. So I may be able to understand your point of view.

I've been rich with a fat brokerage account, a yacht, and lines of credit and so poor that I'm scrounging for "Free Coffee" game stickers in the 7-Eleven parking lot every morning and eating out at the Pizza Hut dumpster at night. So unless you're Bill Gates, I can probably relate to your current financial situation.

I've experienced great happiness as well as suicidal depression. I know what it's like to feel like life has no meaning, that there's no point to it all anymore; that the world would be better off without me, that life is just too difficult, too cruel, too hopeless...I felt the crippling ocean of despair that feels like a constant crushing weight that won't leave you, that only lets you up long enough to feel the next wave much more strongly, that keeps you in bed or indoors for weeks and months at a time. I know what it's like to be so full of guilt and remorse and self-loathing for so long that it becomes unbearable and you finally get that pistol, sit with it in your mouth, pull back the hammer, put your finger to the trigger, night after night after night. So, if you're in that place, I can relate and I can feel your pain.

But most importantly, I think, I've experienced both addiction and recovery. I know what it's like to lose control of my drug and alcohol use and feel powerless to do anything about it, to make so many heartfelt promises and failed attempts to quit that it eventually seems pointless to even try anymore. I know what it's like to get physically sick when the stuff runs out and just how horribly bad it feels. I know how it is to make your addiction more important than your bills, your rent, food, family, friends. I know, I know... I've experienced all the highs and all the lows and every place in between. And, believe it or not, up to the very end, as extremely f$%*ed up as I really knew I was, after repeatedly ruining every aspect of my life, I could not admit that I had a problem and that I was indeed an alcoholic/addict. My ego just wouldn't allow that conclusion, saying, "I'm in control; everything is okay; just a bump in the road; no worries." Even later, in jail, I still refused to face the truth. I eventually had to be dragged kicking and screaming, so to speak, to an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting there. And it's a good thing.

"Fortune may yet have a better success in reserve for you. Those who lose today may win tomorrow."
-- Cervantes

First, those AA meetings showed me that lots of other people had it too. The same problem; there were lots of people I could talk with about it without feeling weak or stupid. For the most part, they were all going through the same things physically and mentally without their drugs of choice. But there were some who had gone months and even years without and who seemed to have kicked the habit for good, and those people were true inspirations. If they could do it, so could I. And AA's "blue book" had even more great stories of people overcoming their addictions. I could relate to those people, and because they had all gone through the same sort of hell, I could respect their advice. Here's basically what they told me:

(1) Realize that although you have a serious problem to deal with, you can and will overcome it as many others have.

(2) Don't let your pride get in the way of your success.This was a big problem for me. Accept help from whoever and wherever it comes. There a lot of people who really want to help you and who you'll make very happy by allowing them to do so -- it's their purpose and joy, don't deny them this. Besides, you really do need it. Just ask, and get ready for "Thank you!" to be your most used phrase from now on.

(3) A support group of some kind, like new friends from AA, is important, especially at first. Call them whenever you need/want to talk, and encourage them to do the same. Put them on speed dial. Listen, and actually take whatever device they may give. Then, as soon as you feel you're able, be a mentor to someone who is going through what you just did. Always remember that other people are looking up to you and relying on your strength and conviction also. As a fellow alcoholic/addict, I can say that your support group is really worldwide and that we're all in this together.

(4) Get some spirituality in your life. Just consider the idea that there may be a Higher Power in existence that you're just not yet aware of and that this Force can maybe help you overcome the addiction. This was relatively new for me, because I already had discarded the notion of a God or anything heavenly like that years ago. But someone suggested that I consider it as a higher "Self" or something within me that was greater than my ego and physical body -- some as yet untapped portion of my being that I could put in control of my life instead.

(Just try this , okay? Close your eyes and picture a bright, shining, silver and gold light, like a small sun, inside yourself. Focus on this light, which, let's say, is your true spiritual Self and intimately connected with the Divine, and imagine it radiating light and love throughout your being; filling every cell in your body and extending out 3 feet in every direction, so that you are shining like a star. Feel the love and power that is your Higher Self. Let this divine light cleanse you and heal you entirely. Relax in the healing light for as long as you like. This is the "White Light" meditation I practice often. It really works because it's real: your Higher Self is fact ,not fantasy.

(5) And here's some advice of my own that I don't think is mentioned often enough,: get some serious medical attention as soon as possible. (If I had done so, just two weeks earlier, I wouldn't be in prison today.) As much as I don't care for pharmaceutical drugs in general, which can be just as habit-forming and detrimental as the street variety, as an alcoholic or drug addict, your body and brain are extremely screwed up right now, whether you realize it or not, and there are good medications available that can help you overcome your addiction without the usual problems, setbacks, or suffering experienced. I recommend getting medical help for the physical withdrawal symptoms and cravings in order to better deal with the mental side of things, which are considerable enough in their own right. Speaking of which, some of these medications treat the psychological aspects of addiction as well. Definitely look into it. Even if you don't need much help, maybe a friend or a family member does.

Ideally, I think that it's best to be put into a purposefully -- induced coma for a couple of months or so until the worst of the physical and mental withdrawal symptoms run their course. A bit extreme for some people no doubt, but it's my understanding that an approach similar to this is being done somewhere for heroin addicts, using special medications to quickly cleanse the person's body as they sleep for about a week. The addict awakens with no real physical issues to deal with them can better get on with their recovery. I like it. All our hospitals and treatment centers need to adopt this method; we need to do what works, what gets proven results.

Still, the problem isn't with the medical rehabilitation fields or with society or with anyone but the addict. Each of us is responsible for own recovery. Fortunately, all the information and resources we need can be found on the Internet these days (try Hazelden.org as a start). All it takes is this decision and commitment -- the courage -- to do what you know in your heart is the right thing to do.

He said, "Come to the edge." They said, "It's too far." He said, "Come to the edge." They said, "It's too high." He said, "Come to the edge." They said, "We might fall." He said, "Come to the edge." They came... He pushed them. And they flew.

The best advice I can offer anyone is to find some purpose and meaning in their life. How can you help? Are there any good causes you believe strongly in? Any organizations you'd like to volunteer your time and efforts to? The important thing for all of us is to put the focus on others rather than ourselves. We all need to overcome selfishness and self-centeredness more than anything else in life. For anyone suffering from addiction or depression, which go hand in hand, I see take a look around and notice all those people suffering even more than yourself in countless ways. No matter how bad off, you may be, there's always someone doing worse. How can you help? Often all it takes is making the effort to talk, to listen, and to show you care.

Do you care? Yes, of course you do. Perhaps you care too much, you think, and that is why you're so depressed in the first place: because the world's problems are just too big and too many; because there doesn't seem to be any solutions; because it's also hopeless; because one small person like yourself can't make a difference. Or perhaps you're so full of self-hatred and discussed that you think anything you did to help would only make matters worse. Maybe you feel that, ultimately, none of it really matters anyway. I can relate; I once felt the same way. I felt overwhelmed by the world, and the hopelessness and meaningless of it all seemed like too much to bear. My depression was so great that it took every effort just to leave the apartment most days, let alone go out and volunteer somewhere. Besides, I was always drunk or stoned and couldn't very well help anybody in that state.

But I was wrong. I wasn't thinking correctly; I was just making excuses. I used the problems of the world and my regrets as an excuse for my depression and alcoholism. I used my depression and addiction as an excuse for my laziness and self-centeredness. All I really cared about was me, me, me. I was too egotistical to admit that I was an addict and too proud to seek help-- until it was too late.

Please learn from my mistakes: stay in school; don't drink; don't do drugs. But if it's too late for any of that and you think you may have a problem, then do something about it right now. I can promise you that your life does have a huge purpose and meaning. And that to recognize that purpose you need to be clean and sober. I can promise you that being clean and sober is 1 billion times better than being f$%*ed up all the time. And, as impossible as it may seem right now, I can promise that you can get there in three months. If you really want to. Just follow the advice here and read at least the first three books on my required reading list. Go to MysticMinistries.org Okay? Also, know that you've got a friend in me and that you can write/e-mail me anytime. I look forward to celebrating your success with you!

Thanks for listening and caring. Bye for now.

-- Eric

Reality

"Nothing is so firmly believed as that which is least known."

_Montaigne

The first step is to admit you have a problem. Put the remote down and step away from the television. Each night's marathon of crime shows -- all the countless variations of "CSI" and "Law and Order" -- are destroying our society sense of reality. They're pure fantasy, and so far from the truth that it would be laughable if people weren't taking their "as seen on TV" concepts of the criminal justice system into the jury box with them. In TV land, besides being so damn good-looking, the police spend plenty of time and effort on each case, using high-tech methods and equipment hardly dreamed of by the CIA. They actually seem to care about putting the right person behind bars rather than just obtaining a conviction. In Hollywood, judges are wise and just and neutral to both sides, prosecutors are always the good guys who don't lie and cheat to "win"; public defenders really go to the mat for their clients and are never, in fact, in the DA's pocket, and suspects are always guilty and punished fairly.
The reality is so much different. Police departments don't have the manpower and resources to dedicate exclusively to anyone case, yet alone manage their enormous daily workloads. Trials are so heavily skewed in the prosecution's favor as to render them fundamentally unfair."Innocent until proven guilty" is a myth. Politics, not justice, rules, the court room these days. Being "tough on crime" is all that matters anymore.

But it's our own fault; we've traded truth and justice for shock and awe, for entertainment value. Society has become enamored with crime and violence, fascinated by it, and at the same time more afraid of it than ever. The actual crime rate has fallen or remained the same for the past 30 years or so, crime reporting in the news has increased 100 fold, and people have been gleefully convinced that crime is burgeoning, that sexual predators roam their streets, and that their neighbor is a sociopath. Everyone is suspect.

But I believe that people usually accuse others of what they themselves harbor in the darkest recesses of their minds; and there can be no doubt that people's minds today have been seriously twisted by the huge amounts of violence and crime we're being fed: from the countless crime novels and "true crime" books published each month, to the myriad of television crime dramas and violent movies produced every week, to the graphically violent video/computer games being cranked out by the millions, to the days news' crime reporting each day- were being inundated with negative images. As a result, we've become more and more immune to the lesser forums' ability to affect us and entertain us, so it takes harsher, more graphic and disturbing material to do the trick. And, of course, big business delivers. After all, it's what we want, right? Crime and violence is obviously a favorite subject; the sales figures don't lie.

As an exercise, count how many guns you see on television in one evening. At the bookstore, count how many are about serial killers of some kind. And how many video/computer games have the objective to blow someone's/something's head off? Is it any wonder that, discounting those places with wars being fought, the United States is by far the most crime obsessed and violent country in the world with the greatest percentage of its citizens in prison?

Mass media, including the news, will shape the way we think and the way society acts, as long as we remain unaware and complacent and refuse to make our objections heard. The easiest person to control is the one who doesn't realize he's being controlled. Turn off your television; there's a reason they call it the "idiot box". Try to watch only positive, uplifting shows/movies. Choose only positive and educational reading material. Play only positive video/computer games, if you have to play them at all. Be selective and wary of what you watch and read. Take back control of what you put into your mind.

The fantasy world of crime and violence may be exciting, but the reality of it is something you never want to experience personally. It is not a game; there is no reset button. It's is not a movie; you are not Scarface or James Bond. Also, take it from someone who knows: drug and alcohol are responsible for most all of crime and violence. So as fun and exciting as they may seem, please leave them out of your life entirely.

Understand, too, that the real world of crime and violence is really no more pervasive than it ever has been. In many ways, it's less. It's the exception, not the rule, and lies on the fringe of society where it belongs. There's no need to be more "tough on crime" than in years past; and there's no need to punish people any more severely today. If anything, we need to be more understanding and caring about the causes of most crime, which, again, is drug and alcohol abuse/addiction, and focus instead on "tough love" when it comes to treatment and rehabilitation.

I wish that the real world sometimes did work like it does on television, but that just isn't the case. The sad truth is that our judicial system is just as corrupt and self-serving as our political system. Believe it or not, police and prosecutors often lie at trial. They withhold evidence favorable to the defendant and fabricate evidence against. And court-appointed "defense" attorneys are no less guilty, making backroom deals and serving their clients heads to the prosecution on a silver platter. They do it because the numbers of people being arrested and processed every day, for whatever reasons, are enormous, and it's just not feasible to grant a fair and complete hearing to each and every one of them. They do it because it's easier. They do it for political reasons, to boost their careers. They do it to purge society of the filth and trash they feel is lurking around every corner. They do it for a sense of empowerment in a dog eat dog world. They do it because they can.

When establishing the framework of our country's legal system, one of the founding fathers said something to the effect of, "it's better that a dozen guilty men go free than one innocent man be imprisoned wrongfully" and rules of law were set in place to prevent that from happening. Today, however, all it takes is an accusation to be thrown in jail. No evidence is required to be sentenced to life in prison. Simply being called a murderer or worse by the district attorney is enough for any jury these days. After all, an elected official wouldn't lie to us, would he ?

Being the good citizens, they are, a jury will always give the state the benefit of any doubt. The threat of a jury trial is always used when negotiating a plea bargain: "take this 15 years or I'll make sure the jury gives you 50" because juries aren't professionals; they have no idea what the "going rate" is, say, for robbery as a first -- ever offense and where no one was hurt. If the prosecutor says 50, then it must be 50. They have n no idea that many others are offered 10 years or less for the same offense, or that two others recently signed for 25 years for eight counts of robbery.

Sorry to dash your TV land, fairytale perceptions against the rocks, but this is the way it works in the real world. It's nothing personal -- someone has to go down for the crime, and it may as well be you. Your name/reputation will be dragged through the mud and you'll be portrayed as the worst person imaginable in order to influence the jury against you in sentencing. "Isn't it true that you killed a man with your bare hands?" (No. ) "Isn't it true that you had a plan to kidnap someone and hold them for ransom?" ( No...) and " Isn't true that you raped that woman?" (What woman? What are you talking about?! ) All baseless accusations, but for the jury, those bells have been rung, and there's no taking 'em back; those ideas/images have taken hold, despite your objections. In fact, the more you vehemently deny such unfounded allegations, the more guilty you seem: and of course the prosecution knows this. Plus, false and misleading "evidence" will be used against you, such a as a "Bomb"and a "Rape Kit", for example, which , of course , are nothing of the sort. Also, expert witnesses will testify that you have absolutely no conscience and cannot be rehabilitated, even though they've never met you and were just called at eight o'clock that morning to review your file. But even if you're able to overcome such treatment and be vindicated, the whole experience, lasting many months sometimes, is extremely dramatic. More than likely, the local news and Internet have shared every sordid detail, including the lies -- especially the lies -- with the world.

Of course, if you're guilty, you deserve to be punished, but at trial it's unlikely you'll be sentenced only for the crime you committed but for the extra half dozen other more horrible offenses the prosecutor has accused you of. The fact that there is no shred of evidence for any other crimes, that they are all just creations of his own cruel imagination, make no difference whatsoever. At trial, conviction alone is not enough: the greater the punishment, the greater the sentence, the greater the victory. So although this may be your first ever offense, the prosecutor will seek a life sentence based on all the "extraneous" crimes he was able to "prove up" by his word alone. And the jury, doing their part to make the world a safer place, and plainly terrified of the monster you most certainly are, will oblige him.

Anyway, please keep all this in mind if ever you find yourself in the jury box with someone's life in your hands.

Thanks, as always, for listening and caring. Bye for now. -- Eric

The Monastic Life

People asking questions, lost in confusion; I tell them there's no problems, only solutions. They shake their heads and look at me as if I've lost my mind; I tell them there's no hurry, I'm just sitting here doing time.

-John Lennon,"Watching the Wheels"

I live the life of a monk, albeit a more dangerous and profoundly more depressing one ( the life, not monk). The majority of my days are spent in meditation and prayer. If I'm not contemplating my navel, I'm chanting or standing on my head. Not really, but you get the idea. There's really not a whole lot else to do: wake up, do yoga/workout, meditate, go to chow; read/study, meditate, go to chow; read/study, meditate, right, sleep; wake up... day after day after day for months, then years.

It might not seem so bad when looked at objectively, I suppose, but notice all that's missing : the love of a good woman (shoot, after nine years, I'd take a bad one right now ), good friends, music, laughter, being in nature, sunshine, animals, swimming, hiking, canoeing, meaningful work, culture, variety, choice, fun, freedom -- insert your favorite things here. Also, we haven't factored in, the constant noise, violence, filth, stench, lack of privacy, cruel and demoralizing guards, tear gas, handcuffs, strip searches, staph infections, etc.nor the anger, frustration, and hopelessness that permeates every cell.

Still, there's plenty of time to think. Each of us in prison spends countless hours contemplating our crimes and every other mistake we've made in our lives, no matter how small or inconsequential at the time. We relive them in painstaking detail and feel remorse for each one. Those scenes are replayed over and over, sometimes for many years, until we can finally forgive ourselves. We all do this, despite any outside appearance to the contrary. The younger "warrior" monks with energy to burn and things to prove, tend to have a harder time settling down, but they too, have plenty of time in their bunks to think and reflect, and before they leave(if ever), are better for it.

For many of us, the monastic life lends itself to studying: philosophy, scripture, science, history, literature, and anything else we can get our hands on. Those with the inclination become scholars. And although it will likely help in finding a job someday, it does make for a more interesting and well-rounded convict. Then again, my future work in hypnotherapy and counseling will be the result of all I've studied and learned while in prison, and, of course, there are the various trades learned here, like welding, carpentry, electrical work (is my choice) and diesel mechanics, even if it is just the basics.

But a monk's main aim is to develop spiritually. At some point, the time spent thinking and studying becomes time spent meditating and praying. And it does take time. There's a necessary process one must go through -- a profound quieting of the mind -- before being able to truly commune with the Divine. This is usually pretty difficult at first, sometimes requiring years of effort; but once a certain point is reached, the progress snowballs and a person makes leaps and bounds towards enlightenment. Enlightenment is personally experiencing the superconscious state where one connects with their higher, truly spiritual self. It's what it's all about.

For the prison monk, meditation is also a way to escape beyond the walls and razor wire, even if only for a short time. This is a nice bonus of sorts and the reason some inmates first get started. Plus, it can also be a better high than the than one could ever find otherwise; being connected with the Divine is a euphoric feeling, and there's no greater experience of Unity and Love possible on this physical plane. But the most tangible benefit is the insight gained into the true nature of reality: the oneness we all share and our existence as eternal, spiritual beings, currently having a physical adventure on Earth. Obtaining such knowledge seriously transforms lives and is the biggest reason of all to meditate.

Imagine if everyone had such an experience. What if each of us could gain first-hand knowledge of the existence of God/Creator/Source and the divine realm of angels, guides, and fellow spirits/souls by personally experiencing it in the superconscious state? Well, let me tell you: we would all treat each other better; we'd make the most of our short lives; we'd better understand and bear our suffering; and we wouldn't be at all afraid to die. Plus, the crime rates everywhere would drop like rocks and recidivism would be nil. Pretty cool, huh?

Those of us in prison fortunate enough to have so much time to meditate and who've been blessed with such an enlightening experience simply aren't capable of committing any further crime. We've literally seen the light and our lives are forever changed. We realize now that love would be the basis for every thought, word, and deed. And I., for one, intend to share my experiences and teach as many other people as possible -- within prison and without -- how to meditate and discover the divine for themselves. Hence, MysticMinistries.org. Check it out.

Unfortunately, I think a lot of people believe that meditation and enlightenment and God or the Divine realm is a bunch of baloney. I certainly did, before I became a scholar monk. They may dismiss my own accounts and all of those throughout history as mere fantasy, mental derangement, or New Age wackiness. However, besides experiencing it for oneself, the proof is there for anyone to study if they care to make the effort and aren't afraid of being wrong for once. See my recommended book list at MysticMinistries.org

And yes, granted, the number of prison inmates or anyone today for that matter, who've actually transcended the material world, however briefly, is relatively few. Still, what matters most is being on the path -- to being dedicated to a spiritual life. Those who make Love the basis of their every thought, word and deed can't go wrong. Easy to say, of course, but harder to do. And although we will slip up from time to time, our sincere effort and intent will keep us in grace and on the right track. So, even if one doesn't have the opportunity or desire to meditate that much, it's still possible to live as though enlightened. And many in prison have discovered this path and are walking it daily.

Penitentiary: 1. a place for penitents and spiritual reflection; 2. a warehouse for the living dead --

The point I'm trying to make and will keep trying to make, is that prison experience is conducive to spiritual growth and that they're a great many good, decent people rotting away needlessly in small cement boxes all over the country, who have more than atoned for their sins and deserve a second chance at life. Redemption is real. People can change; they can learn from their mistakes and become better people for them.

Our prisons are full of nonviolent first-time offenders who are being punished excessively. Instead of locking these people away forever or for too long, i.e. out of sight, out of mind, we need to acknowledge their commitment to self-improvement into a new, spiritual way of living and reduce their sentences as well is give them the opportunity to prove themselves by putting them back into society. In return, these parolees should be required to participate in local community service and public works projects as a way to repay society, as well as foster responsibility, purpose, and positive relationships in their lives. Some could be required to enlist in the armed forces for a while. These people could be real benefit to society rather than the burden they are.

Besides the moral and ethical reasons for commuting the sentences of role model prisoners, there are plenty of economic ones to consider. It costs taxpayers something like $40,000 per year to incarcerate someone. In Texas multiply that by about 170,000 souls. That's $6 billion per year -- each and every year.

Then again, the prison industry is supposedly a huge money maker for private industry utilizing slave labor, especially in Texas. Or maybe it's the prison personnel unions who have the most to gain. I really have no idea. The Sentencing Project.org is a good source for information about the prison industry as an big business. The Texas Department of Corrections is the state's largest agency with a budget to match.

One thing is certain: too many good people are suffering too long in prison while their families suffer with them. In too many cases, nonviolent first-time offenders are being punished too harshly and being denied parole for no good reason, specially in Texas. Currently in Texas, one person can be sentenced to five years in prison while another serves 99 years or life for the same crime. "Five to life" is hardly a sentencing guideline; it is unjust and immoral and does more harm than good. Also in Texas, during the sentencing phase of the trial, the prosecution is allowed to accuse a person of as many additional extraneous crimes as they'd like without the need for any evidence whatsoever. For example, I am serving a 50 year sentence for my first-ever offense, robbery, where no one was hurt. I was a suicidal alcoholic at the time and had sought psychiatric help, only days before. An overzealous prosecutor demanded a life sentence and was was within his legal rights to do so. He portrayed me as a violent career criminal based on nothing but speculation and his own wild imagination. There was no evidence of any such crimes. I have never hurt anyone in my life, nor ever before been in trouble with the law.

Why is Texas allowed to get away with this? Are there federal laws in place to prevent such a travesty of justice? Nope'fraid not. Apparently, Texas is a country unto itself and can do as it damn well pleases. Perhaps your state has a similar complex. I'd suggest we all contact your representatives, but I've completely lost all faith in government and the entire judicial system.

Anyway, bitching and moaning aside, I can thank God every day for my arrest, for it literally saved my life and allowed me to regain my sobriety, my sanity, my soul. Who knows how long I would've continued being the alcoholic ass I was. Everything is for a reason, I believe, and I doubt that I would ever become as spiritually aware and blessed as I am today, otherwise.

Which brings us back to the main point. My conclusion here. A timeout behind bars can be just what a person needs to get their life back on track. The public needs to recognize this and understand that there are many good, decent people in prison; they are not all to be feared and despised as tends to be the case. There are veritable saints inside who could be doing a world of good if given the chance. Also, once again too many of these people are being imprisoned for too long. Lengthy sentences need to be reconsidered and reduced, and qualified inmates need to be paroled.

However, the parole system in Texas and perhaps throughout the country is broken. Societiy is too afraid and unprepared to except former prisoners back into the fold. Large numbers of those who should be released are too daunting. But a much larger number of parolees can successfully reenter society if a comprehensive investment and effort is made in renovating the parole system. Rather than spend even more taxpayer dollars on prisons, we need to invest in reintegration services like transitional housing, education, work programs and drug and alcohol treatment that better serve and more directly affect society. As in medicine, prevention is paramount, of course, the treatment i.e. rehabilitation and reintegration, is just as important.

Anyway, final word before I go: regarding your attitude towards prisoners and parolees in general, please lose the fear. I can promise you that prison monks make role model citizens and great neighbors.

Thanks again for reading and caring. Bye for now, -- Eric

Club Clements

" Si non caste tamen cante.(If you can't be good, be careful.)"
_St. Paul.

Welcome to Club Clements! Don't want to work? -- Or pay rent? -- Bills? Want zero responsibilities? Then this is the place for you! Homosexual? Sadomasochist? Perfect, you'll never want to leave! To qualify for membership, simply smoke a joint in church, date a cop's wife, or steal a car (preferably with the owner inside). For deluxe accommodations at one of our facilities, just rob a bank.
Whether you're your a real-life "gangsta" or the average thug from the hood, you'll find plenty to do here. Hustlin's still the name of the game. Weed,tobacco, pills and cell phones are big sellers -- with an even bigger profit margin! And you pimps will find all the punks you can handle. For those of you riding solo(unaffiliated), we have a charming protective custody wing. Chess sets and dominoes are available at the commissary, and day room televisions are pre-tuned to all day Jerry Springer.

When packing for your visit, don't forget to leave everything behind.You won't need it here,- whatever it is. Remember: we take care of everything! All guests receive a pair of black, ass-kicking army boots, and each day you'll be issued a freshly laundered white shirt, white pants, white boxers, and a great pair of socks, along with a towel and sliver of soap. Fresh sheets are provided every week, as well as your very own roll of toilet paper, tooth powder, and razor. Then during the winter months, enjoy the comforts of a thin, scratchy faux-wool blanket and green nylon jacket. What more could you ask for?

And for the gourmet, we offer a plethora of tasty nutritious dishes to satisfy even the most discerning palate. Are you currently starving on the streets? Get your fill here at Club Clements! Eating too much of that rich restaurant fare? The Clements Unit Diet will get you lean and mean! We have three scrumptious meals a day: for breakfast (3 AM), it's pancakes or eggs with oatmeal or grits: then for lunch and dinner, it's a magical combination of beans and rice or potatoes, corn and collard greens or squash, and either an all-purpose meat patty, hot dogs, chicken patty, pork patty, pork chop, pork loaf, shredded pork, pork and noodles, beef and noodles, baloney, tuna or peanut butter sandwich. Special desserts are offered twice! each week. No salads or fresh fruit. You get an apple or orange at Christmas. And guess who does the dishes? That's right, not you!

Reserve your suite today! Just imagine living in your bathroom, only smaller. But there will be an extra bunk, because we'll be matching you with the perfect roommate! Someone who's sure to drive you absolutely crazy, because after all, it's all about building character, right?

And Clements is such a wonderful place to make friends! Come to learn and grow with your peers. If you don't already know how to hotwire a car or cook up a batch of methamphetamine, you will before you leave. Never been in a fist fight? Practice daily! And for the majority of our guests who can't read or write, our " Gangsta Sign and Scribble"course is very popular. Plus, a shout out to all the future rap stars out there: here is where reps get made,ya dig? Develop and add beatbox skills 24/7! Holla-holla all night long! Learn from the pros!

Our caring and conscientious staff are waiting to greet you. Let us treat you with the respect you deserve. All our employees are specially trained to teach you lessons in humility, patience, and anger management -- because your personal growth is our greatest concern.

Special needs? No problem, we're here to please! Our medical facilities are state of the art, so we've got you covered. Stab wounds and staph infections are our specialties. No insurance necessary! Are you a bit loony? Criminally insane? Welcome to the Club! Create your own exotic medley of psych drugs and join our elite corps of walking zombies.

Registration is easy: simply confess your crime to a "friend" or neighbor who will receive $1000 for helping you enroll in the system. A friendly squad of uniform professionals will come to collect you. Your stay can be for as little or as long as you like. Our lucky winner may receive five years while another gets 99 years, for exactly the same crime! ( Texas residents only, see details). Regardless, extended stays are easily arranged.

So, say goodbye to all your worries and cares, to all those annoying friends and family members. Choose a future with Club Clements! After all, isn't it time you, too, live off the taxpayer's dime for change?

{This ad brought to you by the prison industry and does not necessarily reflect the views or opinions of this blog -- E.R.}

"They say the best men are molded out of faults, and, for the most, become much more the better for being a little bad."

-- Shakespeare,"Measure for Measure "

When I first came to prison, I wished a bomb would drop to wipe the whole place off the face of the earth -- one for every unit in the System. I'd gladly make the sacrifice. The world would be a much better place, I thought, without such trash -- such horrible, horrible people -- every being let out of here again to pollute society.

But now I know that hopeless cases are the exception rather than the rule. In fact, I truly believe that each and every person is salvageable. However, some are just so instantly unlikable and obviously evil that it seems impossible and certainly not worth the effort to change them.

Then again,"bad" and "evil" are relative terms. For the most part, it's simply a matter of ignorance and selfishness -- or insanity. Or it could just be a difference in culture and upbringing. For many of these guys, being a gangster or street thug is what everybody aspires to in their neighborhood. Seriously.

This gangster culture is a plague on society, and one reason why our prisons are busting at the seams. Drug and alcohol abuse, wanton sex and criminal behavior is glorified. Education and morality take a far back seat to being cool and tough and "respected". Goodness is associated with weakness. Violence in words or deeds, is part of everyday life. "Survival of the fittest" is the ruling philosophy and to hell with anyone else, especially those outside their pack. Racism is a given.

I've shared prison cells with Bloods, Crips, White Knights, Mandingo Warriors, Tongo Blasts, Banditos, Mexican Mafia, Texas Syndicate, Aryan Brotherhood, and others; and they all boast about making easy money, doing drugs, getting laid, and raising hell; but when it comes to the deeper reasons for joining their gangs, it's always the same: they want friends and "family", they want to feel needed and appreciated, they want security and protection, they want to be part of something greater than themselves, and they all want meaning in their lives.

There will always be gangs, because there were always be youngsters and those of all ages who seek to belong and have purpose in their lives. And of course some will always have the desire to raise hell and make a fast buck.

Individual counseling has some success, but to really solve the problems of gang violence and crime there needs to be a huge change in ideology in their neighborhoods and culture. And that has to happen from within: they need to do something about it themselves, as any overt outside influence is seen as an insult or threat, or typically, "square". So it's up to the leaders of their own communities to effect the change needed.

As long as the gangsta life is promoted and glorified in popular music and the media, our prisons will continue to be inundated him and with ass holes and fools. As long as kids grow up believing that society holds them a living, that government exists to be taken advantage of and that an honest days work is for chumps, then generation after generation will continue to fuel the prison industry. As long as these" tough guys" remain clueless as to what life is really about, as long as they put a priority on "bling"and "ho's" and the material possessions, they'll continue down the same sorry road they think leads to riches.

More than anything else, they're ignorant(not necessarily stupid), which is the ultimate factor in their being" bad". For many, the "thug life" is all they know. They're either not aware of anything better, or they've been conditioned not to strive for anything better. They have an extremely limited worldview. However, although it is a reason, ignorance can't be excused, because as human beings(actually a spiritual beings), we all have an innate sense of right and wrong built-in.

It's selfishness -- self-centeredness -- that really corrupts us, that goes to the very core of being a bad person. And this, of course, is prevalent at every level of society. Having a total disregard for anyone but oneself is the hallmark of a criminal, whether in the hood or on Wall Street. In every drug addict and alcoholic is just as guilty of selfishness, if not the worst offender.

As obvious as this may seem to you, the concept of selfishness being the root of all evil, totally blew my mind when I was first introduced to it in Alcoholics Anonymous in my first year in prison. I had been a self-centered jerk for years without realizing it. I had the same attitude of "looking out for number one" and "every man for himself" as a typical street thug. But I was ignorant of my selfishness, as I think many people are. I had no idea what a problem I really had.

But why should anyone care whether they are selfish or not? That's the big question. And it's the ignorance of the answer to this that is the big problem. For too many people, there is the unanswered and unasked question: "why be good"?. And I believe it's our obligation, as those who know the answer, to share it with as many other people as possible, especially those in prison or in danger of going there someday.

Food for thought. Discuss it amongst yourselves, and drop me a line, please. Thanks again for listening and caring. Bye for now.

-- Eric

Introduction

What can I say? Prison sucks. This is the last place you ever want to be, even for one day. So, please, don't screw up.

However this blog isn't to bash the prison system or to complain about inhumane living conditions or being treated like garbage every minute of every day. It's not to rant and rave about Texas' criminal justice system, unscrupulous prosecutors, or uncaring public "defense" attorneys. Rather, it's meant to focus on the positive aspects of the prison experience.

In fact, I believe everyone should be locked up for a while. Everyone needs to spend a few years in a 5' x 9' cement box along with a 400 lb. flatulent lunatic who thinks you're just the cutest thing. Everyone needs to be beat down and humiliated each day by petty tyrants in uniform. Everyone needs to lose everything they own, their family and friends. And here's why:

The vast majority of people don't appreciate what they already have; they take their lives for granted. I know I sure did. We can all recognize the simple truths: that material things are overrated, that people/relationships are what matter most, that Love is the answer - and preach them vociferously, but until one is faced with real tragedy, real loss, they're just platitudes. Tragedy etches them onto your soul forever. And prison is one hell of a tragedy for everyone involved.

Once you've been in prison. your freedom is especially cherished; and, again, it's the simplest things that are missed most: the freedom to walk to the store, to drive across town to visit a friend, to wear what you want, eat what you want, speak what and when you want - even the freedom to be what you want. To be poor and homeless is preferable to being locked away and forgotten.

However, on the plus side, prison is a serious time out. It's an opportunity to re-adjust, re-assess, and get your priorities straight. It's a chance to recover from addiction and regain your sanity. It's a good time to look over your entire life, relive every mistake you have ever made, no matter how small, and feel remorse for each one. It's a time to meditate and pray.

"Perhaps some of us have to go through dark and
devious ways before we can find the river of Peace
or the Highroad to the souls destination."
-- Joseph Conrad

The result of all this contemplation and soul searching is a better person. However, timing is everything: sentences can be either too long or too short, and it depends on the person as well as the crime. For example, a chronic alcoholic or drug addict may need three years in prison to recover, even if they were arrested for something relatively minor. But, regardless, no one should have to spend more than ten years behind bars for their first ever offense, except for the most heinous crimes. Ten years in prison is infinitely longer than ten years in the free world. And too long a sentence can do much more harm than good. There's a point where the anger and frustration at the injustice of an excessive sentence or denial of parole may outweigh whatever positive strides are made. That's if there's an attempt to change in the first place, because someone facing 50 years or a life sentence may see no reason to become a better person. Also, spending too much time locked away makes it that much more difficult, if not impossible, to reintegrate back into society.

For the newcomer, it becomes immediately obvious that prison is a place of tremendous ignorance and violence; and it takes a real and sustained effort to rise above it all. It can easily kill the goodness in you, if you let it. Once someone makes the decision and is determined to overcome it all to become a better person in this hellhole, they are on the "fast track" of spiritual evolution. Few other situations/environments offer so many tests and challenges on a daily -- hourly! -- basis. The lessons are the same as anywhere else: forgiveness, tolerance, compassion, kindness, gratitude, patience, etc. -- but here they come at you fast and furious. To constantly forgive the unforgivable, and to someday lose your ego in a place so full of inflated ones, is a real accomplishment.

Fear is the first and most difficult thing to overcome. But, in time, you come to realize that some of the meanest, scariest characters you're ever likely to meet are actually good, decent people -- that everyone, no matter how twisted and cruel sometimes, wants to be a good person; it's just that some don't know how to go about it. And perhaps they, too, are afraid associating goodness with weakness; perhaps they're compensating for insecurities and self hatred.

Some may call the notion that all people are essentially good at their core naive or foolish. But spend enough time in a maximum-security prison and you'll meet the most hardened criminals, the so-called worst (if you're lucky you can even share a cell with them for a while), and you'll find that they are thinking, feeling human beings just like yourself, albeit with some "issues" and a certain lack of impulse control. They regret their mistakes, and they really do want and often try to be "good".

Unfortunately, many inmates are just plain crazy. The penitentiary can seem like a looney bin at times. The majorly whacko are medicated into oblivion, like shuffling zombies, which is pretty common as there isn't the staff or resources to properly treat them. These poor souls need to be institutionalized somewhere, I suppose, and this may be the only exception where prison is the better alternative to life on the streets. The moderately nuts are left to drive the rest of us crazy. My previous "cellie" is a pretty good example: He would pace like a tiger in a cage -- back and forth, back and forth -- occasionally flapping his arms as a particular thought crossed his mind. It was a bit nervewracking.

There are also a lot of former "meth heads" running about, and they're hard to discern from the usual looney-toons. Methamphetamine addiction ruins many so lives. Apparently, the damage done to the brain and other parts of the nervous system can be irreversible: they're permanently screwed up. When I was first arrested and in the county jail, it seemed like every other person was there for something meth-related. And so many still intend to smoke it, snort it, shoot it, or whatever again as soon as they are released. They're hooked for life. Not all, of course, but way too many. It breaks my heart. Please: Never do meth. Not even once, okay?

Drug and alcohol addiction is by far the worst problem facing America and many other countries today. A hard statement to back up with facts, perhaps, but one look at our prison system should be enough to convince you. Drugs and alcohol are the reason most every one of us are in this place. It's either selling drugs, abusing them, or both. I myself was a chronic alcoholic and eventually lost my mind for a time. There's a reason why they call it "dope". People lose their ability to reason or even think straight, and in a short time this affects their character. They do things drunk and stoned that they would never even consider doing sober. And although there can be no excuse for their bevaviour, there is a reason for it. So, instead of immediately labeling someone a criminal and throwing them in prison forever, we really need to treat their addiction. After all, is the goal to fix the symptom or the cause of the problem? I say we can do both.

The solution, I believe, is converting the majority of our prisons into rehabilitation centers as well. Then once an addict convicted of a crime is fully treated and on the road to recovery, they should be required to repay society by doing some legitimate community service work, rather than live off the public's tax dollars for too many years in prison. Incarceration should be a part of, but not the whole solution.

Having said that, it seems that prison, by itself, has worked wonders for me, and I was a mess. I can thank God for my arrest because it literally saved my life as I was a suicidal alcoholic at the time. The first few months in jail were spent going through such horrific alcohol withdrawals that I honestly thought I was going to die some days. It took about three years to finally get my head on straight, though if asked any time before then, I would have said I was fine and ready to go(people who are really screwed up have a hard time realizing they're screwed up). But after five years behind bars, I would have been an excellent candidate for comunity service work while being on parole for another five to ten more years, instead of just rotting away as I am now of no real use to anybody and only a burden to society.

To make the most of my own experience with drug and alcohol addiction, I have been studying for years to become a rehabilitation counselor myself. There is no one better to advise an addict than someone who's been through it themselves. What I've learned and discovered personally is that, after first treating the physical aspects of addiction, what's most important is instilling a sense of purpose and meaning in one's life. Because, besides thrill seeking and simple ignorance, feelings of hopelessness and meaninglessness are the underlying cause of drug and alcohol abuse. Also, because addicts will use any excuse to rationalize their behaviour, they need a powerful reason to abstain; they need to be convinced that there is a better option available: something that will make them feel even better than the drugs and alcohol they use. And that something, believe it or not, is "service to others". We all have the innate desire for worth, to contribute in some way; and the feelings one gets from helping someone else -- being needed, wanted, appreciated -- beats any other "high", hands down. Having such a reason to get up in the morning is a sure long term cure for addiction. And of course, having a support group of some kind is pretty essential.

However, I believe the ultimate solution lies in an understanding of the true nature of reality, the universe, and our place in it. Call it spirituality or a belief in God, or the Divine. Though, for me, better than mere belief is knowing. I've found that it's possible to personally experience the Divine realm and prove to one's self the existence of a "higher", spiritual source of which we are all a part. Once a person realizes this as well as their souls ultimate purpose on earth, the desire to drink, do drugs, or otherwise self destruct goes right out the window. And this goes the same for any kind of criminal behaviour.

To teach people how to personally experience the Divine for themselves, and to help as best as I know how from this prison cell, I've created MysticMinistries.org. The goal is to educate and enlighten people as to their true nature as spiritual beings. I recommend a number of excellent books and resources and basically just try to spark people's curiosity and interest to learn more. Please check out the site and refer your friends.

"What is to give light must endure burning."
-- Viktor Frankl

The main purpose of this blog is to show that redemption is real. People really can change for the better. Our prisons are full of those who are proof of this. Some are veritable saints. Unfortunately, though, much due to excessive sentences and the denial of parole, many of these good, decent people who have atoned for their sins are languishing needlessly in overcrowded and underfunded prisons everywhere. I hope to bring greater awareness to this problem. With your help, perhaps together we can make a difference in the system.

Over the coming months and probably years, I'll be your intrepid reporter with the "inside" scoop on life in prison. At times I'll probably go off on wild tangents or digress a bit from the main point, as tends to happen, but I'll always keep it real. There's a lot to discuss.

Your feedback is really appreciated. Feel free to contact me anytime at ericremerowski@gmail.com or, better yet, please write to me at:

Eric Remerowski
1145256 Clements
9601 Spur 591
Amarillo, TX 79107

Thanks for listening and caring. Bye for now. -- Eric